Atypical Airline Rants

Everyone complains about the action of the airlines, and rightly so. In what other industry can you buy a product, be charged a fee if you decide to can't use it, or buy someone else's castoffs for more than full price? The airline can charge you a fee for changing the dates on your tickets and then charge you the difference in price between the old ticket and the new ticket. They will then turn around and sell your old ticket, often at a higher price. Complete racket. Don't even get me started on the new baggage fees. I heard a United employee telling a fellow traveler that his extra 9lbs would cost him an extra $200. That's more than $20 per pound.

But these are common, and even expected complaints. What of those you don't hear about? What about passenger etiquette? I'm proposing a set of guidelines for travelers that will make flying more enjoyable for everyone.

1. Shower before you fly. No one wants to sit next to you and politely pretend not to be choking on your oppressive body odor. And an hour into the flight, the rest of the plane doesn't want to smell the recirculated version either.
          1b. Crucial next step: after showering, put on deodorant

2. Do not wear your favorite perfume or lather on your favorite scented body lotion mid-flight. I used to work in Bath & Body Works, and even I can barely stomach the scent cloud this creates around you. Wait, or buy unscented lotion.

3. If you have checked a pet other people may be allergic to (ie. cat(s) or dog(s)), maybe ask the airline to alert your fellow passengers so they have the opportunity to obtain some benadryl preflight. This way, they won't arrive at their destination with a stuffy nose and puffy, bloodshot eyes; it's never good to show up to a business meeting looking like you have a coke addiction.

4. Please stop feeding your babies food or formula that gives them gas. Baby farts smell awful, like rotten milk in powdered form (if you can imagine what that smells like), and they linger. Once your nose has managed to move on the baby farts again. Poor things have the relieve the pain somehow. It is really just better for everyone if you just switch Jr's formula.

5. Since airline food is heavy on the dairy, fellow lactards should remember to bring lactaid until the airlines start using soy cheese (never).

6. On most flights, you have an assigned seat, and assigned boarding order. When they say first class can enter the plane and you crowd the terminal, even though you aren't first class, you make it very difficult for everyone ahead of you to board in an orderly fashion. Get out of the way, and let others onto the plane so it can leave on time. Pay attention, wait your turn, and if you want to get on the plane earlier, buy a pricier ticket, or injure yourself in some way that necessitates a wheelchair and earlier access.